“A long December, and there’s reason to believe: maybe this year’ll be better than the last.”
The very first Counting Crows song I heard was A Long December some years ago on the radio. The distinctiveness of the song and the band immediately struck me. The song is sad one – past opportunities and the hope that future times will be better. For tonight, there is a tomorrow.
So, I’m back again. This is what I do; for the past couple of years, after the part or the event or whatever, I return to my PC, listen to this song and think about the year that has passed. Then I can hold the new year close to me and hold high hopes and dreams for it: like a father holding his new born baby.
Wow, what a year. Of course, the biggest news was my first year at university (this is introspection, so world and current affairs take a back seat). I slid quite easily and comfortable into the position of the observer, staying on the sidelines and just watching everyone and everything. A friend of mine commented and the beginning of last year (well, 2003 actually) that she was tired of people and would sort of take the year off and, I don’t know, crawl a bit back into her shell. This struck me as a bit odd, seeing as it was our final year at school, but I found myself with the same desire at the beginning of last year (2004, lol) – the beginning of varsity no less. Introspection is good, but eventually you have to get out of your own head for a while, or else you’ll go insane. It’s time to get out.
This year has been very strange. My eye’s opened to many new things, but was also closed to some other things. I am exited by the academic prospects that lie ahead as well as challenges. But this came at a bitter price: I regressed spiritually. I have always been a faithful person, but this year I found the onslaught of inner conflicts to be particularly strong. There are many reasons for this: bitterness, fear, anger, disappointment as well as others. The war has been long and the damage extensive. If I want to survive, I have to stop procrastinating and take action to get help.
“When I counted up my demons, I saw that there was one for every day. With the good ones on my shoulder, I drove the other ones away.” (from Everything’s Not Lost by Coldplay)
New Year’s resolutions: I don’t have any. I don’t ever make them and can therefore never break them. The philosophy is simple: if you recognize a change worthy aspect of your life, set about to change it immediately. Putting the commitment off until the New Year is the first step in starting to fail at your good intentions.
I can say, however, that so far I have been very cryptic about things in this blog and that I want to start changing that. I am only doing this for myself and it’s not healthy to try and hide things from yourself. This is not a diary but a journey. Penning my thoughts down, I might learn more about me.
The plans for 2005 are pretty simple here on day one: I’ll be resuming with my course, but with an effort to enjoy it more. I am not entirely convinced that this is what I should be doing with my life, but I also have no indications of the contrary. So, for better or for worse, I’ll see what happens in the next 365 days with this course of action.
One of the main highlights of this year will be my brother’s wedding. Yeah! This will be in April, but the happy couple will arrive back in the country as early as February, so it’ll be wonderful to see them again. I probably spend a great deal of time again this year to consider going over to Wales, but that’ll depend heavily on finances. Blêddie Magog. Other than that, no major plans or functions or hopes or dreams. I’ll make plans more short-term. Well, I’m still deciding whether or not I want to go to the upcoming R.E.M. concert, but that’ll mean that I’ll have to get very well acquainted with their music very soon.
Still holding thumbs for a Goo Goo Dolls and/or U2 concert, but will probably only get that as early as next year (2006). Meh.
Okay, so almost everybody I personally know is very anxious to know when I’m going to get my arse in gear and find a nice girl. So I’ll just set the record straight before I start getting e-mails from strangers or stalkers or whatever asking about the same thing: I don’t personally feel rushed in this matter and I’m not going to go on a headhunt. I believe these things “happen”, even though I understand concerns about not putting myself out there. One of the things I’ve learnt about myself this past month is that my personality is wired in such a way so that things like relationships need to “make sense” and “have a purpose”. In short, I’m not wired for flings or flirts. On the plus side, I’m bound and serious about whatever commitments might cross my path. The companionship debate has been a long struggle in my mind, with both “need” and “need not” arguing strong cases. Frankly, I’m tired. Leave me alone, people. Leave me alone, mind.
I say these things, of course, with the audacity of assuming that I/we live to see them realize. But this is a time to dream and dare. I’ll leave you now with the same incantation with which I’ve heralded in the New Year for the past few years: Maybe this year will be better than the last.